| Thursday, October 23rd, 2003 |
| 10:55 pm |
kill me and cuddle my corpse..
so.were totally over now. dont know what to say. everything reminds me of you. but i guess you had to let me go. i wasnt the person you need anymore. i just wanna say that it did hurt. no matter what you think. but iI'v learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be. and ill always be a best friend for when you need someone the most. |
| Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003 |
| 3:42 pm |
..just for you...
Everyone should have a friend like you. You are so much fun to be with and you are such a good person. You crack me up with laughter and touch my heart with your kindness. You have a wonderful ability to know when to offer advice and when to sit in quiet support. Time after time your words linger in my mind. You’ve brightend so many of my routine days. And I've realized how fortunate I am that my life includes you. I really do believe that everybody should have a friend like you…But so far it looks like you are one of a kind! Oh and p.s. on a worse note…no more blonde bimbos.kay!he he you have to wait a little bit ...because i have a feeling that your going to pass that brunette that catchs your eye .. |
| Monday, October 20th, 2003 |
| 5:35 pm |
fading to black
It's easier to walk away than it is for you to reach out to me. It's easier to look away, than it is for you to see the depth of my despair. It's easier to look through me, than it is for you to see "me." It's easier to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care. It's easier to hear, than it is for you to listen. It's easier to judge, than it is for you to understand. It's easier to label, than it is to get acquainted. It's easier to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain. It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul. It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes. It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk. It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection. It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held. It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me. It's easier for me to die, than it is for me to face life's challenges. It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting. It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand. It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most. If only you'd really look at me and see who I am. If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away. If only you'd hold me, without asking why. If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings. But it's the easy roads that are most often taken... And so I hurt alone |
| Monday, October 13th, 2003 |
| 5:23 pm |
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| 8:03 am |
when i listened to your heartbeat, and you held me in your arms...
i dont know what to say. ive cryed so much, ive yelled so much, i dont even remember the last time i smiled. i just dont know what to do anymore. i know we talked about our relationship status on the phone last night, but the words from you wont leave my head. im sick to my stomach from all of our fighting. we used to get along so well, what happened? i kno i menchioned taking a break, truth is i cant imagine not being with you, but then theres the smallest little part of me that just wants to be me, an individual. i kno it seems like it dosnt bother me, but it dose, it breaks my heart. i cryed all last night and tears are filling my eyes right now. i just feel like i cant handle it, its to much for me in this point of my life. im overwhelmed. i love you, but i dont know how much longer i can do this.. i honestly am gonna start having an emotional breakdown. well im leaving for the doctor, im happy-no surgery today..wish me luck..ill talk to you when i get home..until then... |
| Thursday, October 9th, 2003 |
| 6:14 pm |
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| 3:50 pm |
living in the deepest dark
u make me so angry..i dont even know how to explain it. i clench my teeth together and i dont want to say anything because i know that if i did, it would be bad. somthing i might regret. today i was so mad at you i honestly wanted to punch you in the face and feel your skin against my fist. your face crunching for my satisfaction. i wanted to scream at you...i wanted to say some fucked up shit. i wanted to tell you to grow up, you cant laugh about everything. there are some things in life that are serious. i know you think i exagerate, but i was so mad that when u walked away tears of rage fogged my eyes. i wasnt sad at all i wanded to shove my hand in your chest and rip your heart out. your the only person that can make me feel this way. but it wasnt even what you did it was the fact that you dont listen to what i say. you dont handle matters in a mature way, and worst of all you laugh about our problems with my yourger brother-thats as fucked up and low as it gets. and the whole homecomming thing i never told you that i didnt want to go with you. i explained the situation and it didnt work out for me to go with you. i skiped the first dance that i despretly wanted to go to all because YOU were grounded. im not going to miss out on the second dance. i dont think its that big of a deal to not go to one dance together..but oh well. ive been thinking alot about "us" lately and what people say. im starting to belive them. we fight more than we get along..my friends hate you, your friends are fucking anoying as hell(exception of few) and verry, verry, verry imature and i hate hanging out with them. dont go and get all sad about this, because i know you take things to the heart sometimes. i just want you to think about it, about us, about being happy because i feel like you dont want to be around me. your never happy when we together, and the thing that pisses me off the most is that you dont tell me shit. you dont tell me if your mad, you dont tell me how you feel, you didnt bring up the homecomming thing, you just go and write it in your journal. i dont understand why you refrain in telling me...but i cant do anything about it. i sorry for this...im sorry for everything...im just sorry. |
| Tuesday, October 7th, 2003 |
| 6:40 pm |
everything about nothing...
Obsession with possessions With blood and with gore Hatred of society Fascination with war Deep dark thoughts In a deep dark mind A feeling of belonging With those left behind Lost in time. Temptations, fustrations Of treachery and lies A mask for every occasion And the people I despise Dreams of drowning Electric chairs Sleep is a solace Throwing away years Wasteful and foolish. This child will grow to devour And bite the hand that feeds it This child will harness immense power And chaos will reign because of it What are you to fear? These are your twisted thoughts You made this child who it is Vengeance Justice Is what it has come to claim If only you had treated it the same.... |
| Monday, October 6th, 2003 |
| 4:08 pm |
gotta love him!
ok so i started talking to my friend that i havent talked to for awhile. im so happy were takling again. hes such a good guy its almost unbelivable. i feel so comfortable talking to him and i could tell him anything. he gives the best advice and is just an all around perfect guy. i promiced him a long time ago that i would write an entry about him..so here it is..lots of love!!! x to the o... |
| Thursday, October 2nd, 2003 |
| 4:43 pm |
havent you heard im gonna be ok..
i hate everying! i hate people and they way there so fixated on themselves. i hate you and the tears you bring me i hate my friends for the bad desicions they bring me to i hate how it hurts to breath i hate how pain in my pulse i hate the lies that roll off your tounge i hate my parents for thinking they know whats best for me...there just as fucked up as i am i hate knowing i have to live and continue walking in a world that i hate |
| Saturday, September 27th, 2003 |
| 3:03 pm |
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| Thursday, September 25th, 2003 |
| 3:53 pm |
why i do that thing everyone hates
i dont know what to think i dont know what to do anymore i dont know what to say i all i know is how to cry eyes swelled by lingering tears i hate fighting with you ill mannered words raging temperes Thought of truth laying withing a lyers tounge hollow eyes im dying bad grades curupted parents Twisted edges of life Selfless disguises Justification seeking none suicides edge Hearts ripped from within no beginging to end ( Read more... ) |
| Monday, September 22nd, 2003 |
| 6:02 pm |
welcome to my nightmare
Im not sure whats wrong with me. I have everything Ive ever wanted…good grades, goals for my life, a steady relationship, getting along with my parents ect. But I get this feeling. I don’t really know how to explain it, it’s like someone’s grabbing my soul and tormenting it. I feel disconsolate and my emotions are always all befuddled. I sit here and listen to music and cry. I don’t know why im crying I just sit and think, and my eyes start to burn. My thought tightens up and tears roll down my face. I continuously feel distressed and worried. I wish it would go away, but as it continues I put on a smile for the world to see and pretend everything’s perfect…just like everyone else dose. |
| Sunday, September 21st, 2003 |
| 7:47 pm |
where blood boils, and flesh melts
I like my fears. I take good care of them I like the fact nobody understands my doubts about everything. I like it when my lover screams my name. I like to be killed in my dreams. I like the taste of blood when the kiss has been to passionate. I like to hate me and consider the rest of the world neat – it makes me lonely and strong. I like the fact that I can be destiny for a person. Evil or angel. |
| Saturday, September 13th, 2003 |
| 10:04 am |
life..or somthing like it
Twisted edges of life .. No beginning no end.. Cores of confusion Left to mere chance.. Eyes swelled by lingering tears.. Thought of truth once.. now Laying within a liars tongue.. Reasons for actions.. Now rancid Within thought.. Selfless disguises played upon Without thought of cause.. Hearts ripped from within .. without even so much As a second glance.. Justification seeking none.. Platforms of life.. Merely suicides edge.. Ask not.. What one.. Should already know.. For you see .. Life is just one.. Twisted Platform After another.. |
| Thursday, September 11th, 2003 |
| 6:17 pm |
shove your hand in my chest and rip my heart out
the salty tears sting my fragile eyes. i once grew so cloce to my brother...and now we hate each other with a passion so stong i cringe my teeth, and let pain of his sharp, stabing words suduce me. now i sit in my room, contemplate what he said, and relise what i bad person i am. whats wrong with me...why i cant i just be me. i act like a bitch to cover up whats inside. im so scard, i have no confidence and feel like digging a hole and burring myself alive. the only thing that keeps me going is you. i wake up for you, your the reason my heart keeps beating. your the only thing i have to live for, and i wanna say thanks for being there. i know ive been acting weird lately but im just really going through a hard time...i cant even describe, and im sorry. im just sorry! |
| Sunday, September 7th, 2003 |
| 4:12 pm |
my lifelong dream...is for them to die
I love the pain you've given me All the broken hopes The unfulfilled expectations You feed my darkness with your ignorance I hate you How could you do this to me I loved you so much and all you gave me was pain, So much pain, I drown in the pleasure of it. |
| Thursday, September 4th, 2003 |
| 5:07 pm |
an undying shadow in a world of light
Four Blank White Walls Light from the lamp So sick of everything Stagnation Every night the same thing Get online, have a 'life' Sick of Family, sick of the fighting Mother Full of Alcohol father Rides the Fence of Denial And here I sit, in the middle, without the motivation to change Trapped in my Room Mind withouth a View Nothing Changes how i feel insane but still I stay the Same Unmotivated, unwanting to even be; let alone in this world Heartbeat tapping throbbing into the walls Smaller the Room gets and so does my Ambition People telling me its all in my head Feel like just laying all day driving Passionless Dreams turn into Hate Hate of Oneself Hate of Others Hate of Life Hate of everything Hate of Hating Hate of nothing So here i Sit doing Nothing Being Nothing Creating, Dreaming, Working, Feeling Nothing If i could change the way it was and feel the way i used to; At least that would be somthing |
| Friday, August 29th, 2003 |
| 8:49 am |
im forever in debt to your priceless advice
I wish it to be different, but wishing is for those with broken dreams People tell me it will be ok, but i cannot find the truth in their lies -exploit them- Love makes your life so pure, and so simple and can make you hate the way you are forever Love is a double edged sword I still love those i lost, and cherish those i keep but i never forget and always forgive I want forgiveness for those i hurt and would give my soul to right those wrongs love is the only thing i need the only thing that i desire the only thing that satisfies my hunger I want to take back untold scars and wounds Change for the better Love for evertying i can And be one agian with those who no longer want to know me I sit alone at nite my arms clasp my legs I feel i am dying, or going insane The way i feel that i am is wrong Hating my self because i cannot find my answer on the inside my Mind is blinded by what i feel my Heart giving up with every beat The tears from my cheeks drip like the blood from my fingertips but i dont cry on the outside i feel the release |
| Thursday, August 28th, 2003 |
| 4:15 pm |
your my perfect agony
I miss you…the distance between us isnt far, but it seems inaccessible. My eyes are fogged…or maybe its mist, and inexplicably im fading to white…soon to vanish. Or it could be night where im darkly dressed,evading easy definition. Your eyes distracted by one falling leaf, ill merge with restless shadows and be gone. Then you will discover what emptiness is.. a space so hollow even its own walls are swallowed up. Something that you have filled. Its when im missing you that I get a sence of what I used to feel…the uneasyness, insucerities and depression of it all. I need you everyday. its so much to ask for but when I don’t..theres this feeling..im missing something. A quality of missing so intense. A lack..each hour more bottomless than the last, until your heart cries out a howl of forfeiture. But its nothing. ashen silence where I used to sing and the screaching deafness. The howl must strike the right resonant frequency..a wail that echoes all to the ends of time. To fill the gaping void in whole...looping in wavelengths from the well of your soul. The lonliness that no one could miss. Then, only then, might you detect my footprints, indistinct. Marking the morning dew fall. Perhaps glimpce a puff of breath in the cold, dawn air. You must utter a howl so desolate it jerks you from your sleep. To find me warm beside you on your pillow and you will know how close you were to the brink…of the abbyss. And know what missing is…and hold me. |
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